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5. The Brazilian Backbreaker: While trying to contort yourself in an enthusiastic attempt to show your partner you’re flexible, your back gets stuck in an inverse-U position. Symptoms typically last several days and are alleviated by two anti-stupidity pills every four hours.
4. Black and blue balls: Due to the accidental yet forceful squishing of the testicles by a knee, fist or stiletto heel. Causes excruciating pain and a non-sexy cowboy walk. Rest for 1-2 weeks with frozen peas on your package and a bottle of JD in your hand.
3. Prince Albert, meet my tongue: Piercings are all fun and games… until someone’s tongue ring accidentally gets stuck on to his Prince Albert during a hot BJ. Your humiliation is off the charts when picked up by amused EMTs in an ambulance, and the pain and swelling makes you think twice before putting your mouth on a penis with metal protruding from it… or letting someone blow you with a barbell through her tongue.
2. The self-imposed knockout: Caution: headboards are stronger than they may appear! Don’t think your head is hard enough not to get cracked open when you over-eagerly misjudge your own strength (or hers, if she’s on top) and slam into it with excessive force. When you awake from your concussion, remove the headboard immediately, and make sure to avoid collisions with hard surfaces.
1. Penile Fracture: Snap! If you hear this sound during sex, call 911. Most often, this is caused by an overzealous partner who misses his aim (e.g. while doing the pile-driver) or by having her come down too hard while riding you. Can lead to not being able to use, touch, or bear to look at your (literally) purple-headed monster for over a week until the swelling subsides.
Next week's:
Top 10 things you don't want to hear the Morning After
July 3, 2009
Last week's:
Top 10 ways to ruin the moment
June 19, 2009
Have a great idea for a Top 10 list? Let me hear it! lexi@lexisylver.com.
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