Nin wrote that she was inspired by Djuna Barnes, D. H. Lawrence, Marcel Proust, Andre Gidé, Jean Cocteau, Paul Valéry, and Arthur Rimbaud.
She details her two simultaneous marriages (to Hugh Parker Guiler and Rupert Pole) in her journals.
This is an interesting quote from biographer Deidre Blair:
“[Anaïs] would set up these elaborate façades in Los Angeles and in New York, but it became so complicated that she had to create something she called the lie box. She had this absolutely enormous purse and in the purse she had two sets of checkbooks. One said Anaïs Guiler for New York and another said Anaïs Pole for Los Angeles. She had prescription bottles from California doctors and New York doctors with the two different names. And she had a collection of file cards. And she said, “I tell so many lies I have to write them down and keep them in the lie box so I can keep them straight.”
Nin also documented her numerous indiscretions, including affairs with Otto Rank (a psychoanalyst) and Henry Miller (yes, that Henry Miller, the writer).
I know you Lexual people are always looking for new ways to experience pleasure with your partners.
If you’ve already tried this one, then you know exactly how incredible it feels. It’s one of my personal favorites!
And if you haven’t sampled this position yet, there’s no time like the present…
The Submissive Siren
AKA The Downward Dog, The Belly Flop, The Flatiron
What it is:
A deeper variation of doggy-style, with her lying down instead of putting pressure on her knees.
Why it’s hot:
Incredible G-spot stimulation for her, while she’s taking on a more submissive role and letting him control the pace of the sex. This leaves his hands free to explore her ass and is perfect for opening up the opportunity of double penetration for her.
(I also find this is a great position to have more control during strap-on sex, whether your bottom is female or male.)
Because of the shallower thrusts and the tighter, more snug fit, he’ll feel bigger and his performance will last longer.
This is also an amazing position for anal sex!
Hygiene note: If you’re going to switch between vaginal and anal sex within the same session, make sure you switch the condom in between to prevent harmful bacteria from entering her vagina and potentially causing an infection.
How to do it:
Image source: Menshealth.com
Position yourselves as though you’re about to get into doggy style. She should lie face-down on the bed (or whatever surface you’re using), knees slightly bent with a pillow under her belly. He kneels behind her with his legs slightly apart. If you don’t have a pillow, you can still do this position, but you’ll be changing the angle of penetration, so he might want to slip a hand under her belly to lift her hips.
Always start with slow, shallow thrusts. Because of the deeper penetration than traditional doggy-style, and the contact with her cervix, if he begins with full-force thrusting power, her screams will be ones of pain, not pleasure.
How to kink it up:
Image source: Sexpositions.club
Grab her hair: Don’t be too rough and try to rip it out of her head, but holding her hair back will stimulate the nerve endings in her scalp and give her extra pleasure, and make her feel even more submissive.
Wrap a hand around her neck: From your angle and with her face down in the mattress, you’ll probably only be able to put a hand on the back of her neck, using just enough pressure to remind her who’s boss.
Watch each other: If you love eye contact and want the position to be more intimate and you don’t like the fact that you can’t see your partner’s expression during sex, simply prop up a mirror in front of you!
For her clit: This is a bit of a tough position for manual clitoral stimulation, but if you add a toy underneath her, she can have mind-blowing orgasms.
Play with her ass: If she’s down with it, use some lube and start by gently massaging her anus with one or two fingers, slowly going slightly deeper into her ass. When she’s ready, lube up whichever toy she wants to use and slowly slide it into her ass.
Play with his ass: He can add a butt plug to the mix and get anal / P-spot stimulation while he thrusts into her. Having a threesome or some group sex? This is a great position to add a third into the mix to give him some anal play, too.
PS: I use “him/he/his” and “her/she/hers” as a simplification to distinguish between participants. “HE” in this case simply indicates whoever is doing the penetrating, and “SHE” is the person who is receiving the penetration. These pronouns are not necessarily indicative of the gender or gender identity of the participants.
Welcome to my playground, experienced sexters and virgins alike!
(Oh, how I love de-virginizing virgins!!!)
Nothing keeps the fire burning in my pants like a filthy message from one of my lovers. And because I’m a little evil, I take pleasure in making my partners hard or wet by sending them a saucy text.
Sexting can achieve various goals, including riling up your lover (AND yourself!) as foreplay before you see them, staying connected when you’re apart, spicing up your relationship, and sharing fantasies you may be too shy to vocalize directly when you’re right in front of your partner.
Also, it’s just a HELL of a lot of filthy fun!
If you’re shy or you’ve never sent a sexy message before, here are some tips to inspire you to get nasssssty. Consider this Lexi’sGuide to Sexting!
Get yourself horny first.
If you’re not already spilling over with sexual desire as you prepare to write, get yourself into the state of mind where you’re fully craving the person you’re about to inundate with slutty words. Read an erotic story. Watch some porn. Masturbate a little if you want to.
Think of the last time you fucked, or something they did to you (or that you did to them) that drove you and/or them wild, or a fantasy you have which has yet to be fulfilled.
Once you’re thinking of them on that profoundly carnal level, you’ll find the words will just come and cum and cum…
Slip into the role.
Reach within you and unleash your inner sex god / goddess. Tell yourself: you are sexy, you are sex, you deserve to be desired and worshipped.
The power of positive (and sexy) thinking will help you gain confidence in what you write, especially if you’re a first-timer.
You can, of course, accompany your messages with a tarty pose of yourself or some of your lesser-clad body parts. That’s totally your prerogative. If you know your partner is super visual and you’re not down to take nude snaps of yourself, feel free to add a porn GIF or two to illustrate the intensity of your words. But you’ll leave more to the imagination by having your lover read your words and imagine only what you want them to.
If you just read this section and are pissed off because it may reduce the amount of dick and/or beaver shots you receive, that’s just too fucking bad.
Expand your filthy vocabulary.
If you don’t know how to talk dirty like a porn star, try reading some erotica or steal some lines from your favorite performer.
You can ease up on the language if you prefer: instead of saying “pussy” you can say “honey-pot”; instead of “cock” or “dick” you can say “love-dagger” or “hot meat”. I’m giggling right now, but I’m not slagging on you! I find euphemisms amusing. But in my experience, the more direct the language you use, the more effective your results.
Sext when they least expect it, and when you think they need it most.
Is your partner is stuck at the airport, or office, or waiting in line somewhere? Is your lover having a rough day and not feeling sexy? Remind them how much you appreciate them with some nasty words.
Bonus points if you do this while you’re with them, like at a mundane family dinner, so when their phone vibrates to signal a notification, you can watch them and smile mischievously as they start to sweat right in front of you. You dirty voyeur, you!
Keep them actively engaged.
Ask your lucky recipient questions from time to time. “Can’t you just imagine me _(verb-ing)_ your _(body part(s))_ right now?”, “How would it feel if I ____?”, “Remember how wet you made me last night?”, “What would you do if I…”, etc.
If they’re not responsive (water droplets or eggplant emojis can be suitable responses), don’t send a ton of messages asking WHY!? Just wait patiently. Maybe they’re busy, surprised, or unsure of how to reply. And if they’re not interested, then, as Bruna Nessif would say, LET THAT SHIT GO!
Don’t get your partner to fantasize about things you would never, EVER dream of doing. That could lead to some disappointment when you finally do see each other.
You can go wild, but if you have zero intention to experiment with anal sex and you’re telling your partner you can’t wait to have them bury their cock or strap-on dildo deep in your ass, well, that’s kind of a cock / clit tease. I suggest you flirt with that fine line, but don’t TOTALLY go overboard.
[Important side note: This is just an exercise in fantasy, and you can be clear with your partner that this is a fantasy. No one should make you feel pressured to do anything you’re not fully comfortable doing. EVER. Your partner must respect that it’s your choice and it involves consent every step of the way.]
You don’t have to write a novel.
Who has TIME to write a whole scenario out via message?! Sure, I’ve done it, but it takes eons to craft. And you’re a busy bitch with no time for those shenanigans. One-liners are fully acceptable. And if you can’t think of what the fuck to say, ask Google for some erotic quotes and copy/paste those instead.
Take my advice with a chunk of salt.
Not a grain, a chunk. If any of this advice makes you feel uncomfortable, or you haven’t yet fully embraced your Lexuality, tailor my tips to your needs and your personality, vocabulary, and your comfort level.
Want to share your sexting tips, or ask me a question?
As I recover from a fun-filled and jam-packed weekend at the Sex Down South Conference in Atlanta, Georgia, I’m reflecting upon all the incredible individuals I had the pleasure to meet, and the ways in which each of them inspired me!
Thank you! I am so grateful to all of you for imparting your wisdom upon me and educating me in your own way as to how I can continue to help others live their best sex-positive lives.
Many of you know I have personally committed to raising awareness around the importance of sexual education, and making Sex Ed more comprehensive – and mandatory! For youth, I believe that sexual education should be considered by schools to be as (or more) important as math, science and language. I’ve done fundraisers with the Sexual Health Network of Quebec to propel forth that exact mission.
Sex education is ongoing – and there’s so much to learn, even as adults. That’s just one reason I’m grateful to have had an opportunity to attend such an involving and inclusive conference like Sex Down South, where I had the luxury of absorbing a plethora of info about sexuality, while making me hungry to learn even more.
It was incredibly refreshing to meet so many people who were truly sex-positive in a place where we all felt free to express ourselves, however we desired.
What is Sex Positivity?
No, you smartass, it doesn’t mean you always say yes to sex!
Sex positivity means that as long as sex is safe and consensual between the individuals involved, you should feel free to enjoy yourself any way you choose!
To paraphrase Sara Connell, host of the Queer Sex Ed podcast, being sex-positive means respecting other people’s choices about their body and their identity. As long as it’s consensual, there is no right or wrong gender identity or expression, sexual orientation, relationship structure, or kink.
What feels right for one person may not feel right for you – but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong!
It’s also important to acknowledge that gender and sexuality are fluid, and your feelings, choices, orientation, desires, and preferences can change throughout your life. And that’s okay!
We all have an equal right to pleasure!
[Note: I’m going to go deeper about this in a separate blog, because there’s a whole lot more I want to say on the meaning of living a sex-positive life.]
What did I learn at SDS?
What struck me most about attending Sex Down South was the inclusiveness of attendees from a wide variety of genders, sexualities and cultural backgrounds.
Everyone was made to feel comfortable, including allowing a clothing-optional space and access to gender-neutral bathrooms.
Attending these workshops and keynote speeches moved me to the core and were yet another reminder of just how many crucial issues around sexuality are in dire need of being addressed in society.
I will talk more about each of these (and much, much more) in my upcoming podcast on SDC.com (in no particular order, and this is by no means an exhaustive list):
The lack of an inclusive and comprehensive sexual education for youth and adults
The normalization of gender diversity and sexual diversity
Teaching parents how to talk to their children about sexuality
The meaning of consent
Sexual abuse and violence, and the abuse of power
Coping with sexual trauma
The de-stigmatization of sex work and sex workers
Cultural differences in sexuality
Equal access to sexual health resources
Sexuality and disability
Guilt and shame around sexuality
And much, much more…
How can I educate others?
As I said in the workshop hosted by Devan Dunson (co-director of Black Men Smile):
I proclaim that I will strive to empower people to consensually enjoy and express their sexuality – whatever that may be and however they choose to do so – without shame, guilt, fear or judgment.
With such a broad scope of topics about sexuality, I aim to do my part to create a safe space and help educate people through my blog, by providing information and reliable resources you can which will provide you with more in-depth learning and understanding.
What can YOU do to be more sex-positive?
Start by being respectful, keeping an open mind and be willing to learn from others!
Know that we all have a right to live, a right to experience pleasure, and be who we are. Even if other people may have a different way of feeling and expressing themselves, it’s not wrong – and it’s not for you to judge. Live and let live!
Enjoy your sexuality (safely and consensually, of course), and let others choose how they want to enjoy theirs and do whatever makes them feel comfortable in their skin!
I’ll be talking much more about sexuality and how to live a shame-free sex-positive life in my upcoming podcast withSDC.com, called Seek, Discover, Create with Lexi Sylver! Coming soon to Voice America and The Sexy Lifestyle Network!
All the details will be released in the next few weeks, so you’ll know when and where to tune in!
I’ll be attending my first SDSCon and meeting lots of incredibly interesting new people – some of whom will become guests on the new podcast I’m hosting this Fall, Seek, Discover, Create with Lexi Sylver, coming VERY soon to VoiceAmerica, SDC and The Sexy Lifestyle Network (more details on that in an upcoming blog, PROMISE!)!!!
I’m thrilled to be here, meeting incredible keynotes and presenters like Dr. Jess O’Reilly (Sex with Dr. Jess), Ericka Hart, Ignacio G Rivera, and Devan Dunson.
This is the 4th annual conference, which first began in 2015 as a passion project co-founded by Marla Renee Stewart and Tia Marie Mosley.
From September 6-8, we’ll be here at The Hilton Atlanta, taking in sexuality workshops from international educators and presenters.
With a theme like REBEL: Sexual Politics in a New Era, this truly feels like the inclusive and loving atmosphere anyone can benefit from, especially during this
This year, #SDSCon2018 seeks to “mobilize our sexuality and embody, foster, and illuminate our sexual liberation!”
Over the next few days, I’ll be learning from inspiring speakers and experts across an incredibly diverse range of topics about sexuality, including:
Religion & Sexuality
Sex in the South/Geographical implications on Sexuality
Race & Sexuality
Aging & Sexuality
Disability & Sexuality
Youth Sex Education
Communication & Healthy Relationships
Trans*, Gender Non-Conforming & Genderqueer Sexualities
Lesbian/Gay/Same Gender Loving/Bisexual/Queer Sexualities
Sexuality in Academia
Sexual Liberation/Sexual Justice
Sex Worker Rights
Trauma and Sexuality
I’ll keep you all in the loop as I progress through my empowered learning experience about sexuality and connect with open-minded individuals from around the world, each bringing their unique backgrounds, personalities and perspectives to this joint educational process.
So be sure to follow my journey on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram as I delve even deeper into these crucial topics about sexuality, gender, relationships and education, many of which I’ll be exploring in even more detail on my podcast, Seek, Discover, Create with Lexi Sylver.
See you all down here in Hot-Lanta, getting Lexual with the Sisters of Sexuality, SDC and the whole crew from Sex Down South!
Welcome back to my playground, you feisty fiend, you.
This Hump Day, I present to you one of my favorite quotes from a man who is and was notorious for his exceptionally pornographic and erotic works, most of which he penned during his multiple incarcerations in prison and an insane asylum.
You might know the Marquis de Sade as being synonymous with the terms “sadism” and “sadist”, and indeed, his works did depict many acts of sexual violence.
Just for your reference, “sadism” is taken from the word “sadisme” in French, named after the Marquis de Sade, and is defined as “the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.”
Sadism is the “S” in BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism). “Sadomasochism” is a term that commonly groups sadism and masochism together. In a dominant/submissive relationship between two consenting individuals, for example, the submissive may be deemed masochistic in wanting to experience pain, while the dominant may be considered sadistic in taking pleasure from inflicting that pain upon their partner.
Masochism being: “the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from one’s own pain or humiliation.”
Here’s a little word smut from the quill of the father of BDSM:
“If it is the dirty element that gives pleasure to the act of lust, then the dirtier it is, the more pleasurable it is bound to be.”
– The Marquis de Sade (née Donatien Alphonse François, 1740-1814), 120 Days of Sodom (1785)
There are few novelists filthier than our Marquis de Sade, who was also a French nobleman, revolutionary politician, philosopher and writer.
You’ll notice I’ll often quote him for his libertine perspectives on lust and sexuality, so expressed with shamelessly abundance in his manuscripts.
In 120 Days of Sodom, de Sade tells the tale of four wealthy male libertines who seek to achieve the utmost sexual pleasure by way of group sex, by sequestering themselves in a faraway castle with a harem of 36 victims. In the castle, the wealthy men employ four female brothel keepers to recount their life stories, and these women depict the sexual abuse and torture of the victims, which intensifies over time and eventually ends in their deaths.
Many of these sordid tales are frightening with their violent and repulsively non-consensual nature.
But within these writings, there are incredibly inspiring passages too, which highlight the beauty and expression of pure sexual desire.
This isn’t the first time I’ve used his words to convey my and it certainly will not be the last.
Just wanted to share a new dose of literary wisdom for you.
This quote is from one of my favorite American poets and writers, the late Dorothy Parker, in honor of her birthday, August 22, 1893.
This quote was taken from her poem, Observation:
If I don’t drive around the park,
I’m pretty sure to make my mark.
If I’m in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again,
If I abstain from fun and such,
I’ll probably amount to much, But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn.
-Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)
Originally published in: New York World (Aug. 16, 1925): V-3.
Just be yourself, and don’t give a damn.
Embody the very essence of what she’s saying: just live your life according to your own rules, and fuck the rest.
Live your life free of judgment, from yourself and from others. Free of fear of being different, of not being liked.
Just be YOU. Whoever the hell YOU are, whoever you want to be.
And to hell with anyone who doesn’t like you. It’s impossible to please everyone.
If you try to follow what you think other people expect of you, you’ll never be truly happy and fulfilled.
So don’t waste your precious time catering to the unrealistic expectations of others, of society and the world. Stop caring so much about what other people think of you.
Figure out who you truly are, and find the confidence within yourself to just be YOU.
Don’t repress your true nature for the sake of others. If people love you, they should accept you for who you are, not for who you are pretending to be.
Be your best, authentic, true self. Express yourself in whichever ways you want. Or don’t. You’re free to do whatever you choose.
For me, being myself means writing whatever I please, exploring my fantasies and desires with my partners however I choose, and feeling liberated in my sexuality.
If others want to judge me for just being me, or they don’t like my message, my writing, my way of being, they can kindly go fuck themselves.
My two cents – a tiny contribution to this Wednesday’s Wisdom.